maxsilvestri:

tomoatmeal:

Reviews for my new show, “I’m Fat and Stupid and my Wife is Attractive.”

“The amount of dialogue is impressive and even though I don’t always know what they are saying, it does well to add some sort of presence to my living room.  Silence scares me because it makes me realize that today was supposed to be the tomorrow I was telling you about and none of my dreams came true.”  —Entertainment Weekly

“The show is predictable and runs at a decent length.  The man is fat and stupid and his wife is attractive.  I like it when things are what they say they are going to be.  Predictable is good – I can plan for that.  I can understand that.  Because how did I know that picking up the cat was going to make me want to squeeze him until his eyes bulged and he passed out?  I never would have gone near him, but I’m a stranger to myself these days.  My teeth hurt and I don’t recognize my hands.  It’s like I went to sleep one night and woke up with new hands and when I touch my wife, she shivers.”  —TV Guide

“I like how the laugh track helps ease me into my own laughter as if it somehow senses that I need a hand with expressing myself.  I do need that from time to time because it’s good to know that I can feel things.  My wife caught me pressing a hot iron against my arm and she didn’t stop me.  We just stood there and looked at each other and I think that if the baby hadn’t started crying right then, I could have just kept burning my skin right down to the bone.  Also, I like that neighbor character.  He’s funny.”  —Variety